The Luna Diaries
by thedarklord
Summary: “Disaster for Ron?” Does that refer to Ron Weasley, in Sixth Year? The one who cracks the funny jokes? Anyway. Why does Snape have “Disaster for Ron” plastered over his greasy face? He must hate Ron.


THE LUNA DIARIES  
  
By The Dark Lord Voldemort. Muahahaha...  
  
Wednesday, 11 January  
  
An autobiography of Miss Luna Lovegood, Famous Young Astronaut, The Glory of Hogwarts  
  
I love these pretend games. Hee hee hee. I've always wanted to be an astronaut. Astronomy is the only class whereby I'm attentive (I hope I've used 'whereby' correctly, or I'd be letting my distant Uncle Fredrick Whereby, the inventor of that word, down). I spend the rest of the classes fantasizing about being somewhere else, like the Moon. Or Mars.  
  
In case you were wondering, this notebook is a present from my Aunt Vicks, the inventor of Vicks vapour rub. Apparently, she is aware of my astronaut obsession, as the cover of this notebook is plastered with Nine Planets Stickers from my favourite hangout, Zonko's Joke Shop. However, she has not warned me of what they might do to me yet. I must owl her. Later. And in the meantime I must be careful not to touch the stickers, or risk getting my fingers snapped off, or something. I had a rather hard time opening the notebook.  
  
I don't understand why people don't want to sit with me during breakfast. I'm not mean, or anything. Maybe they don't like me because of the earrings I wear. I got them from my Uncle Jeffrey, who discovered radishes and has tons of them back in his farm. I always eat meals with radishes during the summer, but there are always leftovers, so I wear them as accessories.  
  
Oh, I've got to go now. It's double History of Magic. Professor Binns is looking rather peevish today (it's because of Peeves, I expect).  
  
Thursday, 12 January  
  
This is a copy of my letter to Aunt Vicks:  
  
Dear Aunt Vicks,  
  
Note: I always use fanciful handwriting when writing to Aunt Vicks. She despises sloppiness.  
  
Thank you very much for the notebook. It is beautiful. However, the Nine Planets stickers you got from Zonko's.are they dangerous? Please reply as soon as possible, because in the meantime I may have gotten my fingers snapped off.  
  
Yours truly,  
  
Luna Lovegood  
  
I do hope she replies soon. Anyway, I'm now in a rather sticky situation. My belongings have been hidden. Again. I suppose it's the third time already. I guess I'll have to put up signs again, although I'm quite sick of doing that. Here's a copy:  
  
WANTED  
  
1. A radish earring  
  
2. A laughing joke sock  
  
3. A set of Astronaut's Chess  
  
(Note: my latest invention. It looks seriously cool with all those astronaut knights and bishops and kings and queens. The rooks are little spaceships and the pawns are comets. I haven't figured out a way to make them all move, though.)  
  
4. A Neil Armstrong poster  
  
(Why are they always hiding that thing, when they jolly well know it's my most prized possession? It vexes me, you know.)  
  
5. A Concise English-Parseltongue Dictionary  
  
(I don't even know why I have that thing. I reckon it belongs to Harry. You know, Harry Potter? Who am I kidding - EVERYONE knows Harry. It's kind of irritating that my brother is also named Harry. Mention, "Harry" and it's all, "You don't mean...Harry Potter?" in a shocked voice. I'd better return that dictionary quick, if I get it back, or Ernie Macmillan might start telling everyone to isolate me, like they did with Harry Potter. Not that I'm not already isolated.)  
  
I really, really want my Neil Armstrong poster back. My father's forever complaining about the small fortune I spent on the poster. He disapproves of my astronaut obsession. He keeps trying to persuade me to become an editor of The Quibbler. Or another inventor, like Uncle Whereby and Aunt Vicks. The Quibblers really interesting, and all, but I want to be different from the rest of my family.  
  
Hmm. I think maybe I should get rid of that part about the Parseltongue dictionary. I don't want it back, not really. Yes, I think I will get rid of it.  
  
Friday, 13 January  
  
Today Hermione Granger returned my Neil Armstrong poster, saying that she found it in Moaning Myrtle's toilet. What was she doing in there, anyway? We in Ravenclaw think Moaning Myrtle's a bit of a laugh so we never go into her toilet.  
  
I didn't like Hermione Granger much at first, since she insulted The Quibbler, but after our rather interesting trip to The Department of Mysteries, I found out she's actually quite a nice person. Maybe we could be friends, but I guess that's only wishful thinking.  
  
The weather is fine today. I'm now in the toilet (not Moaning Myrtle's), scribbling away in the notebook. By the way, Aunt Vicks has not owled me back so far. I think she may be on holiday.  
  
Today is Friday, so I shall wear a necklace of Butterbeer corks. My dad says it's lucky to wear Butterbeer corks necklaces on Friday. It wards off fat people who want to steal food from you, so I guess I won't have to worry about Millicent Bulstrode coming to steal my jellyfish sandwiches. Alright, I think I'll go out of the toilet now. Someone outside is threatening to knock down the door.  
  
Saturday, 15 January  
  
Dear Luna,  
  
I have received your letter. Don't worry, your Nine Planets stickers are not from Zonko's, so feel free to touch the stickers whenever you want. Okay? Take care of yourself, and remember to rub some Vicks vapour rub under you nose.  
  
Lots of love,  
Aunt Vicks  
  
Well. I guess it's safe to touch the stickers now. But I don't know if Aunt Vicks can be trusted. Last year, when she told me it was safe to use her Super-Strong version of Vicks vapour rub, I trusted her and after that I broke out in rashes. Last month, she assured me that it was perfectly okay to eat the Liquorice Tongues from Zonko's, which was my birthday present. I ate one and started having an irresistible desire to bungee jump off a helicopter.  
  
Monday, 17 January  
  
My father sent me another copy of The Quibbler today. His owl, Stubby, named after that famous singer, landed in my Coco Pops, so I fished him out and had to bring him to the bathroom to blow-dry him. On the way out, I almost bumped into Cho Chang, that sixth year. She was crying! I find her a little strange. I never knew humans had so much liquid to weep out.  
  
I suppose Cho was crying about Cedric. Or maybe Harry Potter. I heard from Parvati Patil that they had a huge row somewhere in Hogsmeade. Sometimes Harry Potter can be quite unkind.  
  
Potions was a disaster. My potion was solid and I cracked it while trying to scoop a sample out. Professor Snape had to empty my cauldron in the end.  
  
It's a struggle getting through Potions without going up to Prof. Snape and offering him some of my aunt's famous Facial Oil Remover. My aunt's a very successful businesswoman and she always asks me to help to sell her products. However, I don't think Prof. Snape would appreciate that, especially since it's very subtly implying something...  
  
It rained and I got drenched when I ran back to the Forbidden Forest after Divination to get my precious Saturn stress ball (from Zonko's Nine Planets Collection). Actually Divination is quite a nice subject. You get to gaze up at the stars.  
  
Tuesday, 18 January  
  
I woke up hoping I would feel too feverish to attend lessons, but it turned out to be wishful thinking. I felt perfectly healthy.  
  
Double Potions today. Again, my potion was hard as cement and again I got a zero. Prof. Snape was especially oily today. He was telling me off and I wasn't really listening, but then I noticed something. Other than oil, there were a lot of pockmarks on Snape's face. Gross. I must really introduce him to Facial Oil Remover after Potions, I thought.  
  
Then I noticed something strange. Eerily strange. The pockmarks made patterns! I was reminded of Dot-to-Dot pictures, where you have to use a pencil and connect the dots to make a picture.  
  
The good thing about all this is that Snape thought I was listening to him when I was really squinting at the pockmarks on his face. Several pockmarks on his forehead were in one vertical line, then there was this curve...wait...I think I know what it is...a 'D'! His pockmarks made a 'D'! Whatever next?  
  
So after I found the 'D' on his forehead, I searched around for other letters. And found another one - an 'I'! Could all these pockmarks be spelling a word? I had an idea. I reached into my polka dotted tote bag, fished out a piece of transparency (another great invention by one of my uncles) and pressed into right onto Snape's face. Clever, aren't I?  
  
Of course, Snape was really angry and he looked as if he was a volcano about to erupt. But he kept his cool and issued me a weeks' worth of Detention.  
  
Tuesday night  
  
I know what the pockmarks on Snape's face say! "Disaster for Ron"! I waited till it is very late before taking out a torchlight and shining it on the piece of transparency. The light was pretty feeble, so I crept down to the common room where there was a bit of light at least.  
  
All the pockmarks showed up as black little dots and I studied them very closely. Not too closely, of course, or I'd get grease on my nose.  
  
"Disaster for Ron?" Does that refer to Ron Weasley, in Sixth Year? The one who cracks the funny jokes? Hee hee, I remember the time he said something about...about a baboon of some sort. I don't remember the joke, but I know it's really funny! Anyway. Why does Snape have "Disaster for Ron" plastered over his greasy face? He must hate Ron.  
  
But what if Snape's face is actually telling the future? What if there actually WILL be disaster for Ron? That will be terrible.  
  
-----  
  
Can someone tell me who is the teacher for Astronomy? Thanks! 


End file.
